Spectre: 5 Muddy thoughts on the latest Bond film
Have you seen the Spectre yet? The new James Bond film is breaking box office records everywhere and seems to have that swagger of confidence that comes from its A-grade players – massive international names like Daniel Craig, Ralph Fiennes, Ben Wishaw, Lea Seydoux, Monica Bellucci, Sam Mendes directing, Sam Smith whinnying the theme tune.
I so wanted to love it. And I very nearly did (Mr Muddy, true to form, nearly fell asleep so we can discount his opinion). But Spectre did throw up some issues for me, so let me just splat them onto you and see if you agree…
1. Top on or top off?
The opening credits showed a topless Daniel Craig looking straight to camera with those flame-licked-style naked models stroking to his broad shoulders *sigh*. Never one to turn away from a quick gawp at the Craig torso, this neverthless felt a bit awkward – it’s hard to be a voyeur when your object of lust is staring back at you.
Then in the film, when it would feel more natural for him to GET HIS TOP OFF! (sorry but I might as well just say it) he kept it primly on, even as he unzipped Monica Bellucci and made all his celluloid female lovers pant all over the movie like they’d just run a marathon in 1 hour flat. I’m betting Daniel Craig made a deal – a quick look in the credits for his integrity later. But the guy is in Such. Good. Shape. It seemed a shame not to share the joy.
2. Boys and their toys
I know the Aston Martin thing and the car chases are important and exciting, particularly if you’re a teenage boy, but bloody hell, it went on, and on, and onnnnnnnn. If they’d cut this scene a bit the movie would have come in an hour shorter.
3. The baddies
Modern baddies tend to be high functioning sociopaths. Chatting mildly while they attach electrodes to testicles, and tapping away mildly on computers as if they’re googling ‘Odeon movies this week’ whilst quietly destroying the world. Isn’t it time for a really bad baddie again? Someone with anger, spite, bile, pure unadulterated nastiness? Christophe Waltz was too mild for my taste, though there was a glint of hope with the brute force of David Bautista as a modern Jaws.
4. More Monica!
Monica Bellucci in a corset is still quiet a sight to behold. Respect, lady! But I’ve never seen a woman surrender to James Bond so quickly and with so much groan. Come on Mon, hold it together for the older generation – no need to be so grateful, you’re better looking than he is.
5. Practise the fight scene
It all got a bit silly when Ralph Fiennes and Andrew Scott had a wrestle with a gun on the top floor of the glass building. It looked like two schoolboys fighting over some conkers. The whole old school goodie Ralph versus new digital future baddie Scott felt a bit too neat as well, like the Hollywood scriptwriters had scrawled in their crayons all over it.
BUT. Having said all that….
Daniel Craig is still the darkest and foxiest Bond by a long shot. Let’s be frank here, the man is FIT, and in the role, very desirable (anyone who’s seen him interviewed outside it will want to go to for some zzzzzzzzs). The fight scenes that he did were AMAZING. Stunts were WOWSA. Sets and locations were amazing.
In other words it was classic Bond. The man’s not perfect, and neither was this movie, but I’ll be back for the next one. Fingers crossed that Daniel Craig is too.
Spectre is on general release