Ready to detox?
The days between Christmas and New Year are all about endurance. Only the elite eaters and drinkers can see it through in any style. Some year I bow out quietly, hiding away at home in front of the telly, cashmere bed socks on, gently willing Jan 1 to arrive. I usually regret those tame, quiet years. Other times I slap on the war paint and head out like a half-cut social warrior, ready to squeeze the pips out of the night and greet the New Year full of humour, life and sozzlement.
Not sure which way it’ll go this year, but one thing I do know – by 1 Jan I’ll be looking at the sorry mess of the Muddy belly and trying to get rid of it (yeah *sigh* again). I’ve tried most fast, medium and long-term fixes over the years but one thing I haven’t tried is a juice detox; rather like eating apples all day or doing those faffy red or green days on Weight Watchers, I’ve filed it under the ‘fad’ category. But when bottles look this goddam pretty, and get delivered to your door freshly pressed that morning before 6am…. well, I’ll give it a whirl!
I’ve already ‘been there done it’ actually – I followed a 3 days juice detox by the Oxfordshire-based Healthy Juice Company in mid December – yeah, go on, imagine the self-control that took! – so that I could test it out for you before the New Year. And let me tell you, I’m a goddam convert. Shall I start with 5lbs off the Muddy arse in three days? Nah, let’s start at the beginning.
6am. I’m up, about to start work (yup, seriously), and then I remember to look outside my front door. There it is. A beautifully packaged dark blue cardboard box, with six smooth, sleek bottles of juice. Numbered for ease. Freshly squeezed that morning. No preservatives. Ice cold. A mix of green and vegetable juices, and nut milks. You can choose between three detox levels – I’m no hair-shirt so I go for the novice version which I’m hoping means it tastes better.
The first ‘juice’ is actually more of a cleanser, a paste mixed with water. Doesn’t taste too jolly if I’m honest but this a detox, it’s not supposed to be pleasant. But wait. The 9am juice – a light green juice containing wheatgrass – is quite tasty and my 12pm juice is a whopping pleasure – a fatty almond milk containing milk thistle designed to fill me up through the munchy stage of the day. YUM.
4pm Um, not hungry. Haven’t experienced this sensation since I had tonsilitis in 1982. Slighty dazed by the sensation. I have another juice. Still kind of enjoying the novelty of it all, but surely this good feeling can’t last?
6pm Final juice of the day. Slightly jealous of my children who are now knocking back spaghetti bolognese – but miraculously I’m still not rumbling. Wash out my detox bottles, and put them back outside for collection.
6am. Old bottles gone, new ones in their place. This detox is so easy I almost feel a bit guilty. I go to the mirror and witness a mini miracle. The Muddy belly, usually at six month pregnancy stage, has decreased markedly. Second miracle. I’m still not hungry. How can this be? I so didn’t see that coming.
4pm The juices are slightly different today and I find myself reading the ingredients closely – not because I’m particularly interested, but because when you’ve been drinking juice for nearly 36 hours and you have another 36 to go, you really need to get your kicks from somewhere. Some are tastier than others, but they’re all palatable enough.
6pm I’ve cooked a ham for the kids. Hmmm, mistake. I sneak a couple of mouthfuls. Feel a bit guilty. Go and weigh myself. 3lbs lighter. Stop eating immediately and do a celebratory loop of the garden.
6am. More bottles go, more arrive. I’m kind of relieved this is the last day, though if you’re hardcore or have more discipline than your weak-willed ham-addicted correspondent, you could do a five day-er.
12pm I meet a friend at Little Italy cafe (just for a green tea, calm down). She tells me my skin is looking great. Two hours later I have a meeting. She tells me my skin is looking great. I pick up the kids from the school run and chat to one of the mums. Yup, her too. Seriously, that never happens to me. I’m really impressed, it can only be the detox.
6pm Last juice down the hatcheroo. I feel triumphant and a little relieved. I skip off to the weighing scales. Five flippin pounds and a whole weight of scepticism well and truly juiced away. Would I do it again? Definitely. I feel really well, and three days has been a manageable kick towards healthier habits. Might actually do another one in January actually…