The Muddy approach to New Year’s Resolutions
Hmmm, you’ve reached an older feature - let’s get you up to date! Read our latest features here.
Do you have your resolutions all ready, neatly written and formulated? Well, rip that baby up! As someone who’s written the same resolutions for the last ten years – because I’m an utter abject FAILURE at sticking to a plan – I’m taking a different approach for 2014. So here are my tips for making those resolutions actually stick. Hey, you’re welcome!
1. The three month diet plan sucks
Yeah yeah, it sounds really easy. Lose 2 stone by April, and then look like a supermodel for the onset of summer. How? Well, a simple combination of 5:2 fasting, sugar removal, low carbing and zero alcohol. I mean, how hard can it be?! Or take the Muddy route. See if you can stick to one of the above for 7 days. If you can do it for a week, you can probably do it for two. If you can do it for two, you can just about make three. Now you’re seeing results, congratulations! If you’re following the Muddy plan to the letter of the law, you’ll now have a glass of wine to celebrate. And another. Oh bugger it, have the bottle. And where the hell did you hide the Pringles? But of course, you’re stronger than I, you won’t have that little issue I’m sure…
2. Spend ‘quality time’ with your family
Quality time – those magic words! No doubt you’ve promised yourself a regular date night with your partner. Told yourself you’ll read books to your children every night (and not just the really short ones). You’ll play family board games, take the kids swimming all the time and have Italian-like mealtime marathons where you’ll laugh, drink good wine and be in awe of your children’s excellent manners. Ah. Yes. Now then. My advice is to take a more realistic approach. Small steps will create the ‘quality’ vibe you so crave.
1) Reduce your children’s computer/ipad/ipod/iphone/xbox/wii time by 5 minutes a week (any more and they’ll smell the rat). Use that 5 minutes to bribe them to tell you something – anything!!! – about their day at school. That, my friends, is the miracle of communication.
2) Practice deep breathing and forgiveness exercises. Particularly pertinent around ‘danger area’ such as on the floor near the the bed, toilet rim, and around the washing machine, where your partner still insists on depositing his undies a metre from the OFFICIAL BLOODY WASHING BASKET! Show him (again) how it all works. Try to smile. Watch the penny slooooooowly drop. Time doesn’t get more quality than that.
3) Blast passion back into your relationship by putting your grey granny knickers out to pasture and go silky. Word of warning: don’t frighten him off with aggressive Brazilian panties without first having a good look at your bum from behind. Whoooa mama, how you’ve grown!
3. Sort out your finances
This is the year. You’re going to be financially savvy, save your money and get yourself in a good place. Already you’ve no doubt decided to make your own sandwiches for work (saving £2000 a year). Drink water instead of fizzy drinks (saving £750). Lose weight and get into the double wardrobe of clothes you’ve been staring ruefully at since 2005 (saving £6000, see point 1). To this I would add: remember to cancel the new gym membership you didn’t quite get around to using in April rather than next November (saving £600). Or for ultimate ease, take the Muddy route to finances. Simply stop looking at your bank statements.
4. Find your happy place
Remember the person you used to be, before the recession and children and mortgages and middle-age spread got the better of you? Don’t bother with those daft self-help books or that NLP nonsense, the Muddy plan allows you to short cut the road to recovery.
Find a recent photo of yourself. Photoshop out two of your chins and three inches either side of your body. Put it on the fridge as proof of how great you’re looking these days. Tell your friends that you’ve grown bored of the Caribbean (the carbon footprint is ghastly) and have made the conscious decision to holiday in the stunning isle of Great Britain from now on.
Make sure you lie about your sex life and tell everyone that your husband is incredibly virile and well endowed and you’re still at it like rabbits. Pretend your job is massively important, interesting and well-paid. Live life like you’re a rock star in your head. A big twerking, writhing, partying, go-getting mass of intelligence and sexiness.
Now take that belief into the New Year my friends. We’re going to own 2014!